10 Texts Your Dog Would Send If They Had a Phone
If dogs could send texts, most phones would stay on low battery and full of one-sided conversations. Their thoughts tend to be immediate, often dramatic, and always deeply food-motivated. Here’s what might show up if your dog suddenly had Wi-Fi and a smartphone.
“You Left. Again.”
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Dogs don’t measure time the same way humans do, so a quick run to the store might feel like hours. They respond more strongly to longer separations. That “you’re home!” explosion is a real relief. Your dog probably thinks leaving is a weird glitch you keep repeating.
“Food Bowl: Still Empty”
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Many dogs work on a tight meal schedule, and any delay is noticed immediately. The standard dog stomach empties in roughly 4 to 6 hours, but their internal hunger clock seems set to “now.” If you’re five minutes late feeding them, expect frantic pacing, bowl clinking, and psychic staring.
“Intruder Report: It Was a Leaf”
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Dogs hear frequencies up to 65,000 Hz—far beyond the human range. A rustling sound outside is probably just the wind, but their brain doesn’t file it as “harmless.” They alert you and hope you appreciate their dedication to neutralizing potential threats like squirrels, Amazon boxes, or distant doorbells.
“Where’s My Other Human?”
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Dogs recognize individual family members and read facial expressions with accuracy. When one person is missing, the home feels incomplete. They would message both humans to solve the mystery of why everyone is not in the same place.
“I Pooped. Just Thought You Should Know.”
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The post-poop zoomies are more than just random excitement. Defecation leaves dogs physically vulnerable, so zooming afterward is thought to help relieve tension. If texting were an option, they’d probably send a quick update just to confirm that business has been handled.
“Please Confirm You’re Still Alive”
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Dogs don’t understand sleep the way humans do. Long periods of stillness make no sense to them. This is especially true in the early morning, when you’re clearly breathing but not moving. For dogs, that’s unacceptable. So they whine, pace, or boop you with a nose.
“Is That For Me?”
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Dogs’ sense of smell is up to 100,000 times better than a human’s. They don’t need to see food to know it exists. A snack bag being opened three rooms away sends a clear signal. They don’t care if it’s chips, lettuce, or medicine—they want confirmation.
“Ball. Ball? Ball.”
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Some dogs become obsessed with fetch because it satisfies their prey drive. The repetition is addictive. The object doesn’t matter much—it could be a tennis ball or a stick. What matters is movement and reward. If they could text, the message wouldn’t vary. Just “Ball?” over and over until a response is received.
“Emergency: Sock Missing”
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Dogs are drawn to objects carrying their owner’s scent. A used sock can feel like emotional security. That’s why it ends up in the dog bed or under the couch. A text about it being missing would be a crisis.
“The Sky Made Noise. I’m Not Okay.”
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Roughly one-third of dogs show signs of anxiety during thunderstorms. Thunder sensitivity can start early and intensify with age. The low-frequency rumble mimics other threatening sounds, like growls. Hiding under furniture or climbing into laps is survival. If dogs had phones, their texts during storms would be all caps and desperate.